Misplaced

Writing

 

Writing Prompt: Write a new post in response to today’s one-word prompt. – Misplaced

 

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Lately I’ve noticed that I have a lot of misplaced anger . I know that it comes from having a low tolerance with people and pretty much all situations because I don’t feel well and I’m in pain, and I’m frustrated with my body and my overall situation.

For example Q  (let’s just call them that….) wrote on Facebook about how they had made their walking goal (Fucking fantastic for you!! See there I go again…) Honestly it’s great that YOU set a goal and where able to make it. I’m happy for 0. So why am I annoyed? why is it that when I saw it on Facebook I got seriously pissed and instantly wanted to unfriend you? Was it Prednisone rage? Maybe. Jealousy? Maybe. Misplaced Anger? For sure!

Here is a classic case of it’s not YOU it’s ME. I’m not mad at Q, not in the very least. That post, her victory, was a small, but annoying (and on that day slightly painful) reminder that I couldn’t do it because I was having a bad week (which seems to be happening more frequently ) and I couldn’t do the things that I wanted to.

I was never mad at Q. I was mad at myself . And we all know that’s it easier to be mad at someone else isn’t being mad at yourself. It sucks, but it’s true.

 

Until Next Time,

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Copyright © 2016– Random Acts of Snark – Paying it Forward –  All Rights Reserved

Future: A Spoonie’s :Lament

Writing

 

 

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For some reason I thought that this weeks Photo Challenge was the Daily Prompt, and without properly looking at it I went ahead and wrote…. so

I always feel like my future is uncertain…Only because I can’t plant too far in advance.

All of the things that I planned for my future when I was younger never happened, I always felt like I got really close; then everything fell apart and I was never really able to get back on track,

So naturally I began again, and devised a new plan for my future; setting sail with a positive outlook, because now I’m sure that this time I’m going to be successful, no one has that much bad luck.. HA! Future plans foiled again!!

Now I’m in this weird limbo, future unclear, wanting to plan but knowing what happens when I do.

I’m frustrated because I feel so behind when it comes to my peers, it’s hard to plan for a future when I can barely plan activities 2-3 days ahead of time; because I know that any second, any moment by body will decide that it can’t and it won’t get out of bed.

I’m frustrated because (Being A Spoonie Means) :

  • Canceling plans on short notice because I suddenly don’t feel well or my energy is completely depleted
  • Always having a constant level of pain and “dealing with it” (my transplant protocol dictates that I can only have 1 gram of Tylenol a day and no Ibuprofen at all)
  • Deciding whether to be in pain or drugged out on narcotics
  • People always thinking I’m faking
  • Feeling “trapped” in your own body and not being able to do anything about it
  • Realizing that one one will ever “get it”
  • People confusing my physical illness with depression
  • Dealing with people and their expertise. I swear if I hear about another herbal remedy, so fantastic new yoga move, or meditation technique I’m gonna lose it.
  • Feeling like “this is it”. It will never get better and there is a high possibility that it will get worst. This is what my future looks like. So I should probably get used to it.

And because of this my future is an hour from now, then an hour after that. At this point in my life that’s really all I can look forward to..

 

* The Photo used is actually a sticker created by SpoonieStickers on redbubble… great stuff, go check it out.

 

Until Next Time,

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Copyright © 2016– Random Acts of Snark – Paying it Forward –  All Rights Reserved

Secret

Writing

 

 

 

Writing Prompt: Write a new post in response to today’s one-word prompt

This was  supposed to be posted yesterday, but like all things life got in the way, so it will be posted today…..

 

 

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The idea  for the post came because a few nights ago I was listening to The Stuff of Life Podcast … that week the topic was Life at the Death. Café. I found listening to the personal stories touching and poignant…. which led me to revel this secret:
I am no longer afraid of dying. Who ever reads this will no and it will no longer be a secret. Maybe I should go back a little…..
I think as a child, we all have a fear of death a fear of being away from everything that we know. It’s not a concept that’s easy to understand…sometimes they get over it sometimes they don’t….I didn’t. (I once had a friend who’s family had a funeral home, so death was a daily part of his life, it was something he accepted early, and as an adult is super nonchalant about the entire idea) My fear of death got worst when I was 18 and officially diagnosed with Autoimmune Hepatitis and was told that the damaged to my liver was irreversible and I needed to have a transplant. The idea that in order for me to live, someone had to die…honestly that messed me up big time. And for a long time…up until a year after my second transplant that named at me.  Was I going to be able to live my life in a manner that honored my donor and her family..
I waited 9 months for my first liver. By accounts that was a pretty short time according to transplant standards. For a while I just felt sick and death was not something I thought about. I was working and going to school….then my cousin died all of the sudden, he died at home and I was devastated. He was on the transplant list, he was waiting for a heart…but like many people on the list he died before he got the call.
Dealing with his death compounded with waiting for my call made me wonder if I was going l to live to see my transplant.
When  I got the call, it was just me and my mom ; me on the OR table and her I’m the waiting room. (We didn’t know this until years later) But we both said prayers, asking for someone to be with the other si they wouldn’t feel alone). The last thing I remember before the drugs took me off to sleepy land was seeing my grandmother and my cousin standing over my bed…smiling at me. I would like to think they were both there watching over us that night.
I survived my transplant, and at 19 I had a lot of life to live, I felt like I beat death, and I no longer feared it.
Fast forward to 30 and I am seriously ill, in and out of comas my body had gone haywire, and I’m sitting in a Las Vegas hospital for about a month now and it occurred to me, no one was talking to me about what was happening to me, they were always talking to my mother (who hadn’t left me side since Id been admitted, she slept on the couch next to me every single day) When ever I was awake and sort of lucid, the people around me would whisper, I knew…. I just knew that I was dying. It’s weird to describe the moment when you realize that you body is shutting down and it trying to let go, and honestly if I wasn’t so afraid and had accepted my fate I probably would have died in that hospital. Without sounding dramatic I felt Death coming, almost like he was sitting outside of my hospital door peeking in on me…. after being in the hospital for about a month, one night I asked my mom if she would take me outside.

When went to the healing garden that the hospital had and just sat there quietly. Everything hit me at once…everything seemed stronger, the smell of the flowers seemed stronger. The breeze felt stronger… the city lights were brighter… mom walked away a few feet to take a phone call.. sitting outside that I night I decided that I was ready… just like that. No pretense no nothing. I was getting worst… if it was my time to go it was my time. the only things I wanted was to die alone. I knew that it would be difficult to know that I was dying, I just didn’t want my mom to see it happen, I wanted to spare her as much pain as possible… it was the very least I could do….. as soon as that thought left my head I heard it.

Whispers, someone was whispering….then a whole group of people . All of the sudden, and for the first time I fell ill ,I felt calm, and comforted… the whispering got more intense, almost like it was surrounding me in stereo, I glanced at my mom, to see if she was hearing it…. she was still on the phone chatting…. as if nothing was wrong…. this went on for like 20 minutes…. Then it just stopped like nothing ever happened.

A few days later things started to turn around…. my numbers improved and I was stable enough to be transported across the country to my transplant center. I was strong enough to eventually have my second transplant and survive to tell this tale.

 

Now lets be honest, I was suffering from  Hepatic Encephalopathy all of that could have been cause from that. My sudden turn around could have been cause my modern medicine…. who knows… but the end result was the same. I came to accept my mortality. And although I don’t welcome death, I know it’s somewhere around still peeking around the corner. I know that my life isn’t guaranteed, and any day I can go; and I’m at peace with that. I have tried to live my life in a manner where I feel like I’ve left an imprint (although small) on the world. My entire goal was to touch just once person’s life in a positive way…and I think I’ve done that…..

 

 

Until Next Time,

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Copyright © 2016– Random Acts of Snark – Paying it Forward –  All Rights Reserved

Green-Eyed Monster

Writing

Writing Prompt: Write an anonymous letter to someone you’re jealous of.

Dear Daddy’s Girl,

There are times when I see you and get jealous, of the relationship that you have with your father, I sit back sometimes and wonder how does that feel. There was never a time in my life when I felt that type a love from my father, and as I get older and the years continue to pass, I know it never will.

I am jealous that he got to be the first man to ever tell you that you were pretty, and he’ll be the one to walk you down the aisle when you get married. I wish I had to courage to walk up to you and ask you if the relationship you have with your father effects the relationship that you have with other men in your life… it’s probably better that I don’t know, I’m pretty sure that I know the answer to that.

I am jealous, but I can’t hate you for having something that I don’t have, I’ll never be daddy’s little girl, but one day maybe I can be something better for someone else.

Signed,

Green-Eyed Monster

 

 

Until Next Time

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Copyright © 2015 – Random Acts of Snark – Paying it Forward –  All Rights Reserved

Make It Count

Writing

Writing Prompt: You’ve been given the opportunity to send one message to one person you wouldn’t normally have access to (for example: the President. Kim Kardashian. A coffee grower in Ethiopia). Who’s the person you choose, and what’s the message?         (Similar Post)

Dear Dad,

I don’t know you, nor do I know anything about your life, but I wanted to send you a message to let you know that despite everything I’m okay; some would say that I’m thriving. And it might be time for you to do them same. It took me a long time to move pass the anger that I have towards you…. now I think that it’s time for you to let go of your guilt, if you don’t you will be miserable for the rest of you life. At the end of the day … we just all want to be happy…. maybe it’s time for you to learn how to do that for yourself; at the end of the day we only have one life to live no matter what we did in the past we have to make it count.

Signed,

Your Daughter

 

Until Next Time….

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Copyright © 2014 – Random Acts of Snark – Paying it Forward –  All Rights Reserved