Secret

Writing

 

 

 

Writing Prompt: Write a new post in response to today’s one-word prompt

This was  supposed to be posted yesterday, but like all things life got in the way, so it will be posted today…..

 

 

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The idea  for the post came because a few nights ago I was listening to The Stuff of Life Podcast … that week the topic was Life at the Death. Café. I found listening to the personal stories touching and poignant…. which led me to revel this secret:
I am no longer afraid of dying. Who ever reads this will no and it will no longer be a secret. Maybe I should go back a little…..
I think as a child, we all have a fear of death a fear of being away from everything that we know. It’s not a concept that’s easy to understand…sometimes they get over it sometimes they don’t….I didn’t. (I once had a friend who’s family had a funeral home, so death was a daily part of his life, it was something he accepted early, and as an adult is super nonchalant about the entire idea) My fear of death got worst when I was 18 and officially diagnosed with Autoimmune Hepatitis and was told that the damaged to my liver was irreversible and I needed to have a transplant. The idea that in order for me to live, someone had to die…honestly that messed me up big time. And for a long time…up until a year after my second transplant that named at me.  Was I going to be able to live my life in a manner that honored my donor and her family..
I waited 9 months for my first liver. By accounts that was a pretty short time according to transplant standards. For a while I just felt sick and death was not something I thought about. I was working and going to school….then my cousin died all of the sudden, he died at home and I was devastated. He was on the transplant list, he was waiting for a heart…but like many people on the list he died before he got the call.
Dealing with his death compounded with waiting for my call made me wonder if I was going l to live to see my transplant.
When  I got the call, it was just me and my mom ; me on the OR table and her I’m the waiting room. (We didn’t know this until years later) But we both said prayers, asking for someone to be with the other si they wouldn’t feel alone). The last thing I remember before the drugs took me off to sleepy land was seeing my grandmother and my cousin standing over my bed…smiling at me. I would like to think they were both there watching over us that night.
I survived my transplant, and at 19 I had a lot of life to live, I felt like I beat death, and I no longer feared it.
Fast forward to 30 and I am seriously ill, in and out of comas my body had gone haywire, and I’m sitting in a Las Vegas hospital for about a month now and it occurred to me, no one was talking to me about what was happening to me, they were always talking to my mother (who hadn’t left me side since Id been admitted, she slept on the couch next to me every single day) When ever I was awake and sort of lucid, the people around me would whisper, I knew…. I just knew that I was dying. It’s weird to describe the moment when you realize that you body is shutting down and it trying to let go, and honestly if I wasn’t so afraid and had accepted my fate I probably would have died in that hospital. Without sounding dramatic I felt Death coming, almost like he was sitting outside of my hospital door peeking in on me…. after being in the hospital for about a month, one night I asked my mom if she would take me outside.

When went to the healing garden that the hospital had and just sat there quietly. Everything hit me at once…everything seemed stronger, the smell of the flowers seemed stronger. The breeze felt stronger… the city lights were brighter… mom walked away a few feet to take a phone call.. sitting outside that I night I decided that I was ready… just like that. No pretense no nothing. I was getting worst… if it was my time to go it was my time. the only things I wanted was to die alone. I knew that it would be difficult to know that I was dying, I just didn’t want my mom to see it happen, I wanted to spare her as much pain as possible… it was the very least I could do….. as soon as that thought left my head I heard it.

Whispers, someone was whispering….then a whole group of people . All of the sudden, and for the first time I fell ill ,I felt calm, and comforted… the whispering got more intense, almost like it was surrounding me in stereo, I glanced at my mom, to see if she was hearing it…. she was still on the phone chatting…. as if nothing was wrong…. this went on for like 20 minutes…. Then it just stopped like nothing ever happened.

A few days later things started to turn around…. my numbers improved and I was stable enough to be transported across the country to my transplant center. I was strong enough to eventually have my second transplant and survive to tell this tale.

 

Now lets be honest, I was suffering from  Hepatic Encephalopathy all of that could have been cause from that. My sudden turn around could have been cause my modern medicine…. who knows… but the end result was the same. I came to accept my mortality. And although I don’t welcome death, I know it’s somewhere around still peeking around the corner. I know that my life isn’t guaranteed, and any day I can go; and I’m at peace with that. I have tried to live my life in a manner where I feel like I’ve left an imprint (although small) on the world. My entire goal was to touch just once person’s life in a positive way…and I think I’ve done that…..

 

 

Until Next Time,

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Copyright © 2016– Random Acts of Snark – Paying it Forward –  All Rights Reserved

Out of Reach

Writing

 

 

Writing Prompt: Write about the one X that got away — a person, an experience, a place you wanted to visit. How much would you change about your life to have it within reach again?

 

 

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I always wanted to have children, when I was a little girl I always knew that I was going to have children, I never once factored a husband or marriage in that, but always when I thought of my future there were always children in it. Everyone says life happens and plans change.

I never expected being 19 years old and being told that I needed a liver transplant, I focused all my time and energy of staying alive and then getting healthy and that was the time when kids were the furthest thing on my mind, when I finally got to a place where I felt better the goal was to get “back to normal” and for a long time I think I was somewhat successful at that I tried to do the things that I loved, I went back to school, got an associates, then a bachelors degree…. it was one of the first times when I felt like I didn’t have to play catch up with my peers.

When I decided to go to graduate school I knew that I was sacrificing once thing for another. I knew that while a lot of my peers were going off and starting families I was moving away from home and continuing my education.  I always thought it was odd and was startlingly fascinated by my married classmates that had children, how on earth were they doing that…. I was having a hard enough time trying to have a social life and date while working, having an internship and going to school full time. And while I was doing all of those things and living my life I got pregnant… funny how the one thing you didn’t expect to happen happens…. I also didn’t expect to not be happy about it.  What happened to that little girl who’s only goal in the world was to have someone call her mommy. I didn’t want it, not now…and as quietly as it started it ended…. I miscarried several weeks later, and for a long time I didn’t tell anyone, not my roommate, not my mother, I was ashamed….but life went one.

Not long after that motherhood made an appearance again in my life, in the most unexpected way a younger relative was pregnant and was very clear about not wanting the baby, and she wanted to give then baby up, she wanted me to have the baby. This time I was ready… I could do this, I was concerned if I could balance everything that I had going on in my life, I was going to make this work…. but it didn’t work out, she changed her mind and decided to raise the baby. Not long after that I became extremely ill again and required my second liver transplant… maybe a higher power was looking out for us. I was in an out of comas, how was I gonna raise a baby in a coma? What government agency would give full custody of a baby to a woman in the hospital waiting for a second liver… who may not even make it. You always hear “God has a plan”… so far his plan for me has sucked.

I got better but I still have my health challenges and that baby is now a little girl, who I see at least once a week, her mother raised her (I using that term loosely) but she’s currently not in the picture, I think about had she given my that baby how different her life would have been, How different I would have been…I think about it a lot but try not to dwell on it because it makes me sad. I think about the baby that I lost, I think about how he or she would have looked and I wonder….. I wonder a lot of things.

Motherhood has always been one of those things that I seems so far out of reach, and I constant go between “You are told old, you couldn’t handle it anyway” to “Maybe I should try one more time” I wonder if the damage done to my body from countless surgeries and autoimmune disease could sustain a healthy pregnancy, honestly failure is not something I can handle…. so those thoughts remain wishes.

Maybe I was never meant to be a mother, maybe I was always mean to be the sassy, awesome aunt who takes their niece and nephews on memorable trips and spoil them rotten.  Let’s be honest, I’ll be an amazing aunt! Right now I’m learning how not to feel like I’ve sacrificed motherhood for aunt-hood. Some days are hard…. honestly there have been day when I have cried about it, about not feeling woman enough. Wondering how come I can’t do what millions of other women do. But I have better days, And today is a good day. I’m okay with the way things have turned out…. I have to be open to the possibilities…. who knows what will happen tomorrow

 

Until Next Time ,

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Copyright © 2016 – Random Acts of Snark – Paying it Forward –  All Rights Reserved

Friend Makin’ Mondays: Back to Randomness

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If you’ve taken part in Friend Makin Mondays before then you are familiar with the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to read and comment on a couple of other posts. I would love some topic/question suggestions from all of you, please email your ideas to sarah@losingweightandhavingfun.com

This weeks questions comes from ME!!

1. What is the hardest thing you have ever done? Realizing how fragile life is, it really messes with your head when a doctor tells you that you have to have a transplant…you come to the conclusion very quickly that someone has to die in order for you to live, I dealt with a lot of “survivors guilt” and the guilt came back two-fold when I needed a second liver transplant, not only was another person dying so that I could continue to live, but I also had to deal with the fact that I let my donor and her family down, by not being able to keep my first donated liver.
2. If you are at a friend’s or relative’s house for dinner and you find a dead insect in your salad, what would you do? If I’m at a friend or relatives house I don’t see the issue with telling them, they certainly wouldn’t hesitate to tell me.

3. What was the best thing that happened to you this past week? One of the best parts of me week is always seeing my mom..

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4. If you had this week over again what would you do differently? When I took my mom to the ER on Monday I would have been seem, totally eliminating me having to be in excruciating pain and going back on Saturday.

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5. What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think about God? Honestly I think of a regualr guy, sitting on a bench, eating a sandwhich talking to random strangers who sit next to him,

 

6. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever eaten? Haggis… I can’t express how weird and awful it was

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7. If you could ask Christ to change one problem in the world today, what would you like him to change? I would ask to stop war, in my opinion, war breeds inequality, ignorance and intolerance. I think the world would be a much better place, if we could accept the differences in people and liver peacefully. (yes I understand that’s a very simplistic view).

8. What book, movie or video have you seen/read recently you would recommend? Why? When I came home from the hospital on Saturday I ate, took more pain meds and went to bed, but lately the drugs don’t keep me asleep, so I’m sitting in the gust room at my parents watching Seed of Chucky, I’m not sure if it’s because I was super high but this has got to be one of the strangest movies I’ve ever seen. In all fairness I started watching the movie in the middle and I was seriously confused by the doll in the middle…I guess I need other people to watch it so that they can tell me what the hell is going on.

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9. If you had a time machine that would work only once, what point in the future or in history would you visit? One –Way Street

10. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? I’ve said many times on this blog that I would love to go to Australia but the flight is so long

Now it is your turn to answer the questions on your blog and come back here and post a link to them, don’t forget to go check out everyone else’s answers too.

Until Next Time,

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Copyright © 2014 – Random Acts of Snark – Paying it Forward – All Rights Reserved

Finite Creatures

Writing

Writing Prompts:  At what age did you realize you were not immortal? How did you react to that discovery?

This is (unfortunately ) an easy one for me, the day that I realized that I was immortal was the day that I was told that I was gonna need a liver transplant, I was 20 years old. I feel fortunate that I had an awesome medical team who swooped in and took care of me and diagnosed me , but at the time I’m angry at myself for not realizing how sick I was, I pretty much went through my entire senor year of high school is a daze, and I thought that it was normal. I remember when I was diagnosed with autoimmune hepatitis, I was so incredibly angry, because I never drank, I never smoked, I never did any drugs, but I was already in end stage liver failure.

Realizing that I was sick brought two important things into focus, 1. Life fuckin’ sucks sometimes, and 2 Anyone’s life can be cut short in a second…. but dealing with that situation as well as my second transplant, then a cancer diagnosis made me understand that although life sucks, and any many I could drop dead… I will continue to fight until my very last breath.

Until Next Time,

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Copyright © 2014 – Random Acts of Snark – Paying it Forward – All Rights Reserved

Ready, Set, Done

Writing

Writing Prompt: Today, write about anything — but you must write for exactly ten minutes, no more, no less. (I have set my cell phone to go off in ten minutes…. so here)

Starting Over Again, and Again, and Again……

I always say everyday is  a good day to start over, and I know that’s something that sounds like a therapist would say to you to keep you positive, but what happens when it seems like you entire life is a cycle of starting over and getting knocked down? I feel like my life has been in that cycle since I was 18 years old. Every time I feel like I get to a good place in my life I get dealt with a blow (always something to do with my health) and I get knocked down on my ass.

STARTING OVER

THE FIRST TIME: The hardest part of recovering from my liver transplants was difficult, the physical took a lot of time, but the mental took what seems like forever, most people don’t know this but I suffered from Agoraphobia (I spent months on the inside, outside of doctor appointments) because it terrified me that something was gonna happen to me, I don’t know what it was but eventually it went away and I started back living , “a normal life” despite the countless bouts of rejection…. it was a new normal and the fact that I was living and breathing was good enough for me, years passed and I finally felt like I had my footing and moved away from home and everything that I knew to start a new chapter of my life. But once again my health deemed that it was time to start over yet again….

THE SECOND TIME: I had a transplant and ( months leading up to it ) I felt like I loss everything, my job, my apartment, my car,,,, my belonging… everything was left behind when I had to move back to the Midwest to receive emergency treatment, and to be honest I never felt like I got back to normal after that… so once again a new normal was created…. and yet again I moved away, a set out to start anew…..

THE THRID TIME: With a little time, I became a little self assured and learned a lot about myself, made plans about what I was going to do with my life. My life was no longer a concern, because all was well on the health front. I was getting healthy and losing weight, becoming more active and training for my very first 5K when once again my health took a nose dive and reminded me how fragile I really am… this time a extremely large blood clot underneath my heart… and while a team of doctors were trying to figure out how to treat me I gained 100 pounds of fluid all over my body.  While dealing with this I was dealt another blow with a Multiple Myeloma diagnosis…. A year later my Myeloma status is stable, and the blood clot is gone and all the weight I gained is gone as well, but now I’m faced with building my health and strength back.. I’ve started blogging and enjoying the little things in my life. But now I am plagued with the idea of starting over yet again. I’m not in the city that I want to live in, and I would like to pursue my writing…. but the idea of starting over only leaves me with fear, and

 

Until Next Time….

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Copyright © 2014 – Random Acts of Snark – Paying it Forward –  All Rights Reserved