Out of Reach

Writing

 

 

Writing Prompt: Write about the one X that got away — a person, an experience, a place you wanted to visit. How much would you change about your life to have it within reach again?

 

 

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I always wanted to have children, when I was a little girl I always knew that I was going to have children, I never once factored a husband or marriage in that, but always when I thought of my future there were always children in it. Everyone says life happens and plans change.

I never expected being 19 years old and being told that I needed a liver transplant, I focused all my time and energy of staying alive and then getting healthy and that was the time when kids were the furthest thing on my mind, when I finally got to a place where I felt better the goal was to get “back to normal” and for a long time I think I was somewhat successful at that I tried to do the things that I loved, I went back to school, got an associates, then a bachelors degree…. it was one of the first times when I felt like I didn’t have to play catch up with my peers.

When I decided to go to graduate school I knew that I was sacrificing once thing for another. I knew that while a lot of my peers were going off and starting families I was moving away from home and continuing my education.  I always thought it was odd and was startlingly fascinated by my married classmates that had children, how on earth were they doing that…. I was having a hard enough time trying to have a social life and date while working, having an internship and going to school full time. And while I was doing all of those things and living my life I got pregnant… funny how the one thing you didn’t expect to happen happens…. I also didn’t expect to not be happy about it.  What happened to that little girl who’s only goal in the world was to have someone call her mommy. I didn’t want it, not now…and as quietly as it started it ended…. I miscarried several weeks later, and for a long time I didn’t tell anyone, not my roommate, not my mother, I was ashamed….but life went one.

Not long after that motherhood made an appearance again in my life, in the most unexpected way a younger relative was pregnant and was very clear about not wanting the baby, and she wanted to give then baby up, she wanted me to have the baby. This time I was ready… I could do this, I was concerned if I could balance everything that I had going on in my life, I was going to make this work…. but it didn’t work out, she changed her mind and decided to raise the baby. Not long after that I became extremely ill again and required my second liver transplant… maybe a higher power was looking out for us. I was in an out of comas, how was I gonna raise a baby in a coma? What government agency would give full custody of a baby to a woman in the hospital waiting for a second liver… who may not even make it. You always hear “God has a plan”… so far his plan for me has sucked.

I got better but I still have my health challenges and that baby is now a little girl, who I see at least once a week, her mother raised her (I using that term loosely) but she’s currently not in the picture, I think about had she given my that baby how different her life would have been, How different I would have been…I think about it a lot but try not to dwell on it because it makes me sad. I think about the baby that I lost, I think about how he or she would have looked and I wonder….. I wonder a lot of things.

Motherhood has always been one of those things that I seems so far out of reach, and I constant go between “You are told old, you couldn’t handle it anyway” to “Maybe I should try one more time” I wonder if the damage done to my body from countless surgeries and autoimmune disease could sustain a healthy pregnancy, honestly failure is not something I can handle…. so those thoughts remain wishes.

Maybe I was never meant to be a mother, maybe I was always mean to be the sassy, awesome aunt who takes their niece and nephews on memorable trips and spoil them rotten.  Let’s be honest, I’ll be an amazing aunt! Right now I’m learning how not to feel like I’ve sacrificed motherhood for aunt-hood. Some days are hard…. honestly there have been day when I have cried about it, about not feeling woman enough. Wondering how come I can’t do what millions of other women do. But I have better days, And today is a good day. I’m okay with the way things have turned out…. I have to be open to the possibilities…. who knows what will happen tomorrow

 

Until Next Time ,

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Copyright © 2016 – Random Acts of Snark – Paying it Forward –  All Rights Reserved

Never Too Late

Writing

 

Writing Prompts: Is there a person you should’ve thanked, but never had the chance? Is there someone who helped you along the way without even realizing it? Here’s your chance to express your belated gratitude.

It would defiantly be a group of people, When I moved to Las Vegas to go to graduate school, it was the very first time that I had ever been away from my family and my home, and for the first 8 weeks I was miserable, just seriously feeling out of place and homesick and I felt like I had made to wrong choice in coming here.. EVERYTHING was different than what I was used to. Slowly by slowly I started to meet people and I’m not sure if they knew it or not but they really helped me, treated me like family and really allowed me to enjoy my experience, wish lessoned the home sickness.

One of the reasons I look back so fondly at that time in my life, is the people who I met and became my friends, and for the most part I think they all know that everything they did for me was appreciated by myself but my mother as well, I think for a time she was worried for the same reasons I was and after she visited me she was more at ease about the situation.

So to Robin, Bill, Anne, Paul, Gail, Nicole, Renee, Nathan and so many others Thank you…

Until Next Time….

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Copyright © 2014 – Random Acts of Snark – Paying it Forward –  All Rights Reserved

Golden Key

Writing

 

Writing Prompt: You’ve been given a key that can open one building, room, locker, or box to which you don’t normally have access. How do you use it, and why?

Really? I don’t want it … and I don’t want to use it. There is a reason things are locked, and if I can’t access them during  the time when they are open, why would I want to spend my free time there. This reminds me of when I was in Graduate Assistant and I was teaching 2 classes for my department, working 2 jobs and taking a full graduate course, I was happy until it came time for me to do my office hours in the “cube farm”… and I had to have office hours which was why I was there, but because I knew my schedule was full and so I made a note on my syllabus that students could make an appointment if my office hours didn’t fit with there’s… and they did… most of the time of Saturday’s and Sundays… hell I was there sometimes meeting with students until 9pm right before exams…and every time I had to use that darn key card I was would sigh (as long as we had the key card, we had 24 hours access)

I didn’t want to be there, and I’m pretty sure my students didn’t want to me there.. it was just something we HAD to do… so to answer the question..  I don’t want it… give them key to someone else…

Until Next Time….

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Copyright © 2014 – Random Acts of Snark – Paying it Forward –  All Rights Reserved