For some reason I thought that this weeks Photo Challenge was the Daily Prompt, and without properly looking at it I went ahead and wrote…. so
I always feel like my future is uncertain…Only because I can’t plant too far in advance.
All of the things that I planned for my future when I was younger never happened, I always felt like I got really close; then everything fell apart and I was never really able to get back on track,
So naturally I began again, and devised a new plan for my future; setting sail with a positive outlook, because now I’m sure that this time I’m going to be successful, no one has that much bad luck.. HA! Future plans foiled again!!
Now I’m in this weird limbo, future unclear, wanting to plan but knowing what happens when I do.
I’m frustrated because I feel so behind when it comes to my peers, it’s hard to plan for a future when I can barely plan activities 2-3 days ahead of time; because I know that any second, any moment by body will decide that it can’t and it won’t get out of bed.
I’m frustrated because (Being A Spoonie Means) :
- Canceling plans on short notice because I suddenly don’t feel well or my energy is completely depleted
- Always having a constant level of pain and “dealing with it” (my transplant protocol dictates that I can only have 1 gram of Tylenol a day and no Ibuprofen at all)
- Deciding whether to be in pain or drugged out on narcotics
- People always thinking I’m faking
- Feeling “trapped” in your own body and not being able to do anything about it
- Realizing that one one will ever “get it”
- People confusing my physical illness with depression
- Dealing with people and their expertise. I swear if I hear about another herbal remedy, so fantastic new yoga move, or meditation technique I’m gonna lose it.
- Feeling like “this is it”. It will never get better and there is a high possibility that it will get worst. This is what my future looks like. So I should probably get used to it.
And because of this my future is an hour from now, then an hour after that. At this point in my life that’s really all I can look forward to..
Until Next Time,