What I’ve Been Doing While I Haven’t Been Blogging pt. 1 : Illness, Anxiety and a Whole Heap of Family Drama

Writing

 

Hey Snarkers ( Snarkarimos, Snark-a-doodle-dos….  which ever you prefer; I actually like the last… but whatever),Morning Walk

I hope you all still remember me, because I certainly remember you all and have missed you all and your comments during my long and unplanned hiatus, so let’s get down to it and cut the shit, where have I been? I would suggest you find a comfy place to sit, maybe grab a snack, perhaps a glass of wine if that’s your thing, and let me explain….

In May I was dealing with lack of motivation when it came to the blog, that’s a totally like I just had a lack of motivation all around, I wasn’t inspired to maintain my blog, I was blocked and really just had no energy to deal with it, or anyone else for that matter. What I didn’t know at the time was that I was getting sick, I had totally missed the signs and it took a toll on me, but I knew that once I got better, my mind would clear and I would start back with the blog… Well that was until

June rolled around, honestly much of June is still a blur to me, but during the first half I celebrated my birthday where as I recall I stayed at home and napped most of the day, mostly due to the full blown depression that I was in. I wasn’t speaking to anyone , I didn’t do anything except the required family functions and my weekly Friday walks with my cousin Candace it was literally the only time I went out, and I guess it made me feel a bit normal.. and strangely as quickly as it came on… it went away. I often thought to myself, “maybe its time to get back to write…anything…” But every single time I thought about turning on my computer I was filled with a  sense of dread…needless to say I haven’t turned on my computer for weeks, so I immediately thought the worst, Word press deleted my blog, or maybe I had gotten hate mail, or perhaps a a hacker got a hold of my password and porn has been posted since my absence. I couldn’t deal with it, so I just avoided it.

After being shamed… I mean seriously shamed for not being on “the snap” (as said as Candace) I mean seriously, I have Twitter and I rarely post on there…. did I seriously need to get on more social media… due to peer pressure…. the answer people, is YES… absolutely, and not only that I became seriously obsessed with Snapchat , or rest assured I have calmed down… On the upside after months of being on the waiting list, I was finally about to start therapy (I had been on the list since Fall of last year) I like my therapist, although I was ugly sobbing (and snotting) at my first session

July rolls around, still in therapy, starting to feel better, but therapy is work, and it seems like after every session I have extreme panic attacks, so after talking it out I decided to get on medication (I walked into my first session absolutely knowing that I didn’t want to on any kind of medicine…. I felt like it was the “easy way” out. But when you it gets to the point because you have to pull over on the freeway because you’re on the verge of passing out from your panic attack you realize that need a little more help. This is honestly one of the hardest thing I’ve ever done, I’m thinking about things and people that I purposely buried because I didn’t want to deal with them, What I though were quirky Tyra traits were actually Social and Generalized Anxiety Disorder…. around my third session I told my therapist that I wasn’t sure if I was gonna like the new person I was gonna because. Because I don’t know how not to be easy going, it’s difficult for me to just be calm and let things roll off of me…. I need to know the when, why, what, where’s or every situation…but despite the fear, I am willing to put in the work, it’s time.

And while you’re dealing with your own personal shit , real life happens… and boy did it! My aunt fell and broke up hip while trying to get out of the bed, while she was hospitalized they found lesions on her bones (with my limited medical knowledge I assumed she had Multiple Myeloma like me) turns out the origin of her cancer was not her bones, it was her throat and had spread to her bones and kidneys, naturally this devastated the family and we immediately went into action on the best way to care for her. She’s doing extremely well despite her diagnosis of soft tissue carcinoma. And she very realistic about her options, she has since gone through radiation, and has declined to do chemotherapy, she fells the chemo will harm her more than the cancer, at 78 she wants to live her life. I recently told her that I wanted her on this Earth as long as God intended her to be, but at the same time I don’t want her to be in pain. What’s the point of living when your quality of life is poor? While dealing with this I was actually dealing with the prospect of being a guardian to a 5 year old. His home life was less that ideal and the family wanted to step in before DCHS did. So I began working really hard getting myself and my environment together.  After having several lengthy conversations with the mother and the grandmother it seems settled that M will come and live with me. I start to wonder if I’m doing the right thing, I fear that raising this child will due more damage than good, I don’t know the first thing about being a parent, what if I screw this kid up and he hates me forever? In the end I realize that this is about him, and providing him a safe, stable, loving environment where he can thrive, I can do that, and everything else will just have to be taken one step at a time..

August is finally here. I realize that the summer is nearly over and I’ve done nothing….Things are really progressing with the guardianship situation, my goal was the get him and his siblings back to Chicago before school starts at the end of the month. I even got to the point where I was going to humble myself and ask my estranged father to bring them to Chicago (he comes every August, and he has to pass through where the kids were 13925038_10154629475790995_5351704663105988111_nliving, I didn’t feel like it would be a huge burden and I knew despite our relationship that he would do this for me. He would see it as a way of “getting in good” with me. Honestly thing are going pretty well, things seem to really falling in place, and just when I thought things couldn’t get better. Weighing in at nearly 10 pounds and 21 inches long showing his immediate displeasure with the word and making his Aunt Tyra extremely happy; Tyson Daniel made his entrance into the world, and because his very first baby picture was epic. I had to make him a meme. From the moment he was born I felt like he was meant to be in this family, everyone loves him. And he’s just perfect (naturally I’m biased) but he’s just a little doll)

Needless to say that joy was short lived, cause shit always happens. Eventually M did come back to Chicago, not with my father, but my plane due to his grandmother/my aunt. Long story short. M is not living with her, after she said numerous times that she could no longer care for them, after she sent them back to live their mother because, “this isn’t her job” after saying repeatedly that she wanted her life back. Not only does she have M, but his 5 siblings as well. M  was told by him mother that he was coming to live with me, we were all expecting it. But in the end I realized that a lot of people have their hands in the pot, a lot of people were doing under handed things, and in the end a lot of people got burned. I’m hurt and saddened by the situation, II;’m pissed off my the complete and total underhandedness of certain family members. Now I’m asked to take side and do underhandedness to get him back. I wont do it. I can’t as I told M’s mother when she wanted to get me her newborn when I was in grad school, “The only way I would ever take your child is for you to do it legally and sign the papers” in the end she failed to do it. And there is nothing for me to do but wipe my hands clean of the situation and move on with me life.

How the hell did September come so fast,  better question how is it almost over… SHIT!! It’s time for my step-dads knee replacement surgery. What was supposed to be a routine surgery with a 3 day stay turned into,  severe memory loss, him requiring a sitter in his hospital room, near kidney failure, a stay in ICU, then a stay in a rehabilitation unit.. Back and forth to the hospital was my schedule then it became. Tyra’s appointment, going to my aunts house, Going to my parents house and taking him to therapy and doctors appointments, skipping dinner and in bed my 7pm…. several times a week. I was exhausted, there was no way I was gonna start writing. My “me” time consisted of sleeping. Then one day I came up with this amazing idea to run away for the weekend to Clarksville, IN…what’s in Clarksville you might ask? TYSON!!! Seriously he changes every week and although the scowl is gone it been replaced with the most completive look ever… So now I have to go at least once a month to get my dose of baby.

Tyson Collage

One of the things that I talk about was the blog, and how I missed it. She begin talking about short term and long term goals, so getting back to the blog is a short term goals, and that gave me the extra push I needed to come back, but I honestly felt that I should explain why I was gone for 5 months. Will you accept me? Will you still read what I write about? Only time will tell, but thank you for being so patient with me.

A little bruised, but still here

With all my love,

tyra2_thumb2

Copyright © 2016– Random Acts of Snark – Paying it Forward –  All Rights Reserved

Handwritten

Writing

 

Writing Prompt: When was the last time you wrote something by hand? What was it?

 

20150915_041038

 

 

Every time I write a daily prompt it usually starts off on paper, it’s easier  for me to jot down some ideas if I’m not right by the computer; and more often than not what I end up writing is more detailed than what’s on the paper. The other day I  was going to use the “Journey” prompt and talk about my transplant journey and how different it was during the first and second transplant, I wrote a detailed draft and was all set to get it down on the computer, unfortunately mother nature had other plans and it rained (the papers were in my purse) and more than half of it  got smudged, now I could have rewritten it, but dang it, it was like 4 pages long and I was like, I’ll find something else to write about. Damn you rain!

 

Until Next Time ,

tyra signature

Copyright © 2015 – Random Acts of Snark – Paying it Forward –  All Rights Reserved

Switcheroo

Writing

 

 

Writing Prompt: If you could switch with a blogs with any blogger for a week, with whom would you switch and why?

 

coconut-shrimp

 

I thought about this for a while, and although I love this blog I don’t think that I would be able to last more than one day. I’m getting to the point where cooking isn’t as much of a chore as it used to be, but I find myself getting really bored with my food so this would be perfect for me, so if I could do a little switcheroo for one day it would be with SkinnyTaste. I have tried so many of their recipes and they are always so yummy.

For me the best part of the entire experience (outside of eating the food) would be photographing the food…. if it was more than a day I seriously think that I would gain weight despite the recipes being Weight Watchers friendly…. it doesn’t really count if you eat the whole dish.

For more yummy recipes go check out the site.

 

Until Next Time

tyra signature

Copyright © 2015 – Random Acts of Snark – Paying it Forward –  All Rights Reserved

Morton’s Fork

Writing

Writing Prompt : You had to choose between being able to write a blog (but not read others’) and being able to read others’ blogs (but not write your own), which would you pick? Why?

I love blogging,  partly because I enjoy b talking about EVERYTHING. And honestly there are times when blogging has become an indirect sort of therapy; just being able “to get it out” feels good sometimes.  Then off course b there are the times when someone likes and  responds to something I have posted makes me feel like people get me and understand me.
On the flip side blogging sometimes becomes burdensome,  on the days I don’t feel good I don’t want to do anything but sleep. Even now sitting in  hospital bed,  I’m writing, partly because I just came back from a month long hiatus (and I didn’t want to take another) and if I didn’t get something  out I’m gonna feel guilty about it for the rest of  the day. That being said, if given a chance to being able to write a blog (but not read others’) and being able to read others’ blogs (but not write your own). I would read what others write (and just be a prolific commenter).
I feel like although I enjoy writing, there are so many others who do it better and with millions of blogs out there I’m bound to find everything that suits my intrests.
But I would miss it…. and find another source for my writing.

image

Until Next Time

tyra signature

Copyright © 2015 – Random Acts of Snark – Paying it Forward –  All Rights Reserved

Hindsight

Writing

 

Writing Prompt:

First Post September 9, 2011 “Why The Hell Am I Doing This? (I think at this point I had lost about 5 pounds)

1

This is me… well virtual me at my current weight 279.6  I’m round, fluffy, basically I’m. fat! You know me, I’m the girl that scopes out the room to count the number of other fatties  .I have rolls where I don’t want them, my thighs rub together, people might mistake me for being pregnant… and when it get’s hot I sweat in places that a person should not sweat. You will not see me running, playing a sport, or wearing a bikini, I prefer to chillax in front of the TV and I do not own a Freak-em dress. I have not been accountable for the things I put in my mouth, I have not been accountable for my fitness…. but all of that changes TODAY! Today I officially ditch the BEFORE.

TODAY I become accountable! TODAY I change! TODAY I become the AFTER!!!!

Why AM I DOING THIS

  • I want to look better naked (don’t you want to look at yourself naked without pointing out every negative thing about your body?)
  • I want to be able to climb the stairs without being winded
  • I want my knees to stop hurting
  • I want to walk into a room without feeling like people are staring at me
  • I want to feel beautiful
  • I want to live longer!

December 29, 2011. Over 500 posts later…

This is me, well virtual me at my current weight of 211 pounds. There are times when I ask myself why the hell am I 2doing this? Let’s be honest I ask myself this every single day. but then I remember where I was in the beginning. I was unhappy and I was fat. Well before we start talking semantics I’m still fat… This blog originally started as a way for me to remain accountable for me weight loss, and for the most par it still is, but I’ve expanded it to things that I find interesting, or just when I feel like there is something I need to say, never in a million years did I still think that I would still be blogging and to be honest I can’t believe that I am still sticking to the whole weight loss thing. So many times I thought that I had it, and every single time I went about my business, lived my life and slowly the weight came back….

It has not been easy, and who ever says that it is a liar. I’ve had lots of set backs, I’ve loss a ton, gained it back, loss and gained again (now on the losing streak) I’ve met like minded people who have encouraged me and understand how difficult this is.

When I look at the virtual version of me, I feel like those weight watchers commercials you know the one where you talk to the past version of yourself. So many things are different.I still prefer chillaxing in front of the TV, and I do own a “freakum dress” I am not accountable of my fitness (and my food) I track and count calories, my activity tracker also helps, I have a gym membership and have gym equipment in my home (something that I never expected) but more importantly I am no  longer count the fatties in the room, while losing weight, I gained self confidence and now I know that my body is mine, it should never be compared to someone else, and no I look for people who are like minded and enjoy the same things that I do.

Am I the after? No, but something that I realized is that I will never be the after. I will always be a work in progress.

TODAY I will continue to be accountable, TODAY I will welcome the change, TODAY I continue to be a work in progress.

WHY I DID THIS

  • I want to look better naked (don’t you want to look at yourself naked without pointing out every negative thing about your body?)
  • I want to be able to climb the stairs without being winded
  • I want my knees to stop hurting
  • I want to feel beautiful
  • Despite my health issues I want to be able to fight off multiple myeloma and liver disease without having the overhanging obesity sign hangin’ over my head. I have enough going on, I would be pissed off if the reason I died was due to my weight (something that I can change)

Until Next Time….

tyra signature

Copyright © 2014 – Random Acts of Snark – Paying it Forward –  All Rights Reserve