Until Next Time,
Writing Prompt: Write a new post in response to today’s one-word prompt – Conceal
So yesterday morning, I went to the gym… And when you go often enough you tend to notice the regulars, you tend to notice the cliché’s (gosh it totally sounds like high school) and recognize the assholes real quick. Obviously I’m not working out at the most luxurious gym, it’s Planet Fitness, I pay 10 bucks a month and it’s a few block from my house. There is this gentlemen who I see occasionally I’m sure he goes to the gym way more than I do; but that’s another story for another time…, he’s a larger man and he always gets on the treadmill; at least that’s when I see him.
His steps are slow, but steady and he stays on for maybe less than 10 minutes, then he gets on the bikes for about 10 minutes, them moves on to something else…..Well the buff guys who work the weight machines, you know the ones, the kind of gym who bring a gallon of water with them and wear those stupid belts…. said something, not sure if it was the first time they had this conversation, but it was the first time I heard it. But something was said (I’m paraphrasing here) about how he can only stand to do five minutes,, and at that rate he’s never gonna lose weight. Then they started taunting him…I’m not sure if the gentleman heard them, but I did and it deeply disturbed me.
I’ve been fat most of my life, I’ve been fat shamed from the time I was little to family members poking my belly, to high school friends” telling me I would be pretty IF I lost weight. Hell I’ve fat shamed myself more often what is considered healthy… and let’s not even talk about how the media portrays heavier people… the point is every time I walk outside my door I know someone is judging me because I’m fat….. and it sucks.
I take a lot courage to decide you want to change your life, to decide to change the patterns of your everyday life and get healthy, it’s also not easy. I’ve been on this journey for 5 years, and I’ve had so many set backs, so many times that I’ve quit and started over, so many times that I have simply given up… because it’s easy. I don’t consider myself a confrontational person, I think for the most part I do an excellent job at keeping my emotions at bat…. but today I wanted to cry.
I wanted to cry because they weren’t just talking about that man, they were talking about me. They were talking about every fat person who got on a treadmill and went their pace until they were out of breathe. And I decided to confront them. Now this could have gone all sorts of wrong. I told them that although they had every right to express their opinion, I have the right to do them same. And how dare you judge someone for taking the exact same steps you took to better themselves. Everyone’s journey is different and happens in their own time., “What if that was your brother?”, “Do you even know his story? Have you bothered to ask?:”
And here’s what I know. People are asshole that’s never gonna change. And I can’t conceal the fact that I’m fat. My fat is a small part of who I am….but if that’s the thing you need to judge me and other people one, clearly that’s YOUR problem…. not mine. And while I’m actively working on my “problem” I have to remember a heavier version of my battled two liver transplant, two comas and sundry of medical maladies and game out the victory. And I love ME and this size and what every size I’ll be a year from now…. and there’s no shame in that.
Until Next Time,
So I haven’t posted about Weight Watchers only because …. well partly because I didn’t want to and secondly nothing has really changed…. weight stayed the same…. lost some weight, gained some weight back… pretty much my cycle since on the Devil’s Tick Tacks…. weight is still higher than I would like… but you know what… that’s okay…
Good news is since the last time I’ve done a TTOWW I’ve tapered down to a lower dosage of Prednisone, and the less steroids I take on a daily basis the better things are for me in the long run..
So last week I didn’t;t attend a Weight Watcher meeting, which is odd because I usually go every week, there were a lot of contributing factors…. I have recently taken up knitting. and I was deep in a project, the day before I spent all day at a 10 and 12 year old roller skating party (and I only feel super old, and super weak, when I am around children with an abundance of energy.) and was dead tired, and when you spend a lot of time around small children (whom I lovingly y refer to as germ magnet a girl with a compromised immune system (ME!) is bound to catch something nasty. So I spent Sunday laying in bed, feeling like death was near while my cat sat on my head while I struggled to breathe,
And because I tend to “slide” when I don’t feel well… I sought out foods that used to hit me in my happy place thinking they would make me feel better….. things like corn dogs, ice bream, chips….. chocolate.. anything that I could grab… and while I was eating these dangerously delicious foods I realized Sunday and Monday had passed and I had not tracked one single thing…. somehow I made the decision that this was how my entire week was gonna go….. so I didn’t track on single thing.
By Wednesday I started to feel guilty…because I track religiously… and I knew this was out of the ordinary… I felt like a kid who had a tiny little taste of freedom…. I didn’t know how to act…. so naturally I ate more junk…. and I ate bread!
Which leads me to the title of the blog. Sandwich bread, I can take it or leave it, I don’t normally eat it because one of two things will happen, I sit it out and it will get moldy or I put it in the freezer, forget that its there and several months later when digging in my freezer I find something that resembles a wheat brick. But beautifully baked bread. (PANERA) is the Devil’s Playground for. Let’s just say there were two French bread loaves, I took one home, it was demolished within 8 hours of entering my house.
I cute the bread in tiny cute portions, one or two pieces would have satisfied a normal person, but damn it I have no self control, I wasn’t tracking, and it was a carb free for all…. did I mention that I actually woke up out of a dead sleep to eat bread…I’m not sure if that’s hilarious or seriously sad….
And like divine intervention Oprah appeared….over and over again…. I don’t know what it is, but I have seen that commercial more in a week than I have seen any Weight Watchers commercial in my entire life.
So after watching that commercial here are things that I know… Oprah has lost 26 pounds! And she can have bread everyday…. yeah the problem was that she probably has self control (more likely someone preparing her meals and gives her a 24 grain roll) and I have no and ate a freakin’ loaf….. okay I get it!!! I can not have bread in the house…
So Saturday rolls around and before I go to bed I have decided in my head that I am not going to a meeting on Sunday … once again divine intervention happened. I dreamt of my former Weight Watchers leader Leslie. who is currently living the life in Madrid. anyway we were sitting and talking after a meeting, not about weight loss just about life and how sometimes it gets in the way of things you really want to do….. I didn’t think anything of it, seemed totally real to me… then at 6:15 my feline alarm clock woke me up demanding to be fed (naturally she followed me while I filled her bowl, ate a few kibbles then got back into bed and stared at me). Sometimes Tsuki has the ability to give me the most fantastic bitch face… some combined with my Oprah revelation, a dream of my former Weight Watchers leader Leslie, and Tsuki’s bitch face I knew I had to go to a meeting.
Apparently a lot happens when you miss a week, there were so many new people at the meeting…..so many people decided that they wanted to change their lives and lead a healthier lifestyle (wow, I should like a commercial). Naturally I talked about my struggles, what brought me back, and I listened to other people and their struggles, and how they are working through them I say this all the time, but for me that’s the beauty of Weight Watchers, I can go to a meetings and know that I’m not the only one…. I’m not the person still trying to figure out how to handle this. And this week more than anything reminded me that I NEED to go to meetings, they help keep me grounded.
Since I have to weigh-in next week . I’m doing all the things that I need to do, I’m tracking EVERYTHING, I’m drinking water, trying to get enough sleep, and (UGH!!!) I guess I can go to the gym a few days this week (no promises.. since I still feel like crud).
And if noting else, I gotta get my crap together…. I’m trying to me cute this summer!!
If you want to check out my journey so far: Week 1, Week 2, Week 3, Week 4, Week 5, Week 6, Week 7,Week 8, Week 9, Week 10, Week 11, Week 12, Week 13, Week 14, Week 15, Week 16, Week 17-20,Week 21, Week 22-23, Week 24, 25, 26, Week 27, Week 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 1 Year and a Restart Later, Prednisone Sucks, Oprah, Getting Talked Off the Ledge, Smart Points and Surviving It All, Oprah Can Eat Bread
Until Next Time,