Out of Reach

Writing

 

 

Writing Prompt: Write about the one X that got away — a person, an experience, a place you wanted to visit. How much would you change about your life to have it within reach again?

 

 

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I always wanted to have children, when I was a little girl I always knew that I was going to have children, I never once factored a husband or marriage in that, but always when I thought of my future there were always children in it. Everyone says life happens and plans change.

I never expected being 19 years old and being told that I needed a liver transplant, I focused all my time and energy of staying alive and then getting healthy and that was the time when kids were the furthest thing on my mind, when I finally got to a place where I felt better the goal was to get “back to normal” and for a long time I think I was somewhat successful at that I tried to do the things that I loved, I went back to school, got an associates, then a bachelors degree…. it was one of the first times when I felt like I didn’t have to play catch up with my peers.

When I decided to go to graduate school I knew that I was sacrificing once thing for another. I knew that while a lot of my peers were going off and starting families I was moving away from home and continuing my education.  I always thought it was odd and was startlingly fascinated by my married classmates that had children, how on earth were they doing that…. I was having a hard enough time trying to have a social life and date while working, having an internship and going to school full time. And while I was doing all of those things and living my life I got pregnant… funny how the one thing you didn’t expect to happen happens…. I also didn’t expect to not be happy about it.  What happened to that little girl who’s only goal in the world was to have someone call her mommy. I didn’t want it, not now…and as quietly as it started it ended…. I miscarried several weeks later, and for a long time I didn’t tell anyone, not my roommate, not my mother, I was ashamed….but life went one.

Not long after that motherhood made an appearance again in my life, in the most unexpected way a younger relative was pregnant and was very clear about not wanting the baby, and she wanted to give then baby up, she wanted me to have the baby. This time I was ready… I could do this, I was concerned if I could balance everything that I had going on in my life, I was going to make this work…. but it didn’t work out, she changed her mind and decided to raise the baby. Not long after that I became extremely ill again and required my second liver transplant… maybe a higher power was looking out for us. I was in an out of comas, how was I gonna raise a baby in a coma? What government agency would give full custody of a baby to a woman in the hospital waiting for a second liver… who may not even make it. You always hear “God has a plan”… so far his plan for me has sucked.

I got better but I still have my health challenges and that baby is now a little girl, who I see at least once a week, her mother raised her (I using that term loosely) but she’s currently not in the picture, I think about had she given my that baby how different her life would have been, How different I would have been…I think about it a lot but try not to dwell on it because it makes me sad. I think about the baby that I lost, I think about how he or she would have looked and I wonder….. I wonder a lot of things.

Motherhood has always been one of those things that I seems so far out of reach, and I constant go between “You are told old, you couldn’t handle it anyway” to “Maybe I should try one more time” I wonder if the damage done to my body from countless surgeries and autoimmune disease could sustain a healthy pregnancy, honestly failure is not something I can handle…. so those thoughts remain wishes.

Maybe I was never meant to be a mother, maybe I was always mean to be the sassy, awesome aunt who takes their niece and nephews on memorable trips and spoil them rotten.  Let’s be honest, I’ll be an amazing aunt! Right now I’m learning how not to feel like I’ve sacrificed motherhood for aunt-hood. Some days are hard…. honestly there have been day when I have cried about it, about not feeling woman enough. Wondering how come I can’t do what millions of other women do. But I have better days, And today is a good day. I’m okay with the way things have turned out…. I have to be open to the possibilities…. who knows what will happen tomorrow

 

Until Next Time ,

tyra signature

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