What The F*ck?–TOWIE eps. 5 and 6

Here we go again, another round of foolishness and f*ckery from my favorite overly tan, overly inflated Brits. Now if you need a reminder Arg got Friend-zoned, Harry and Bobby are still broken up, and new couples seem to popping up…yet I don’t think any of them are gonna last (photos on the blog today are courtesy of Holy Moly

Episode 5

“Drama at the Deli”

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Billie!

The boys are together flying some sort of contraption and giving Arg shit about being in the friend-zone, they guys seem to be sympathizing with him, especially Diags, but let’s face it … if anyone deserves to be FZ’d it’s Arg, he has the maturity of an ant. tom thinks he’s found the right woman in Grace… haven’t we heard that before…

The girls are hanging out helping Billie pack and looking over baby clothes, when all of the sudden Billie starts to feel some pain…. but never fear it’s a rouse to wind up Gemma… Jessica is still talking about living on her own, I’m confused, she wanted to live alone so why the hell is she crying about not living with Ricky *eye rolls*

Barry finally meets up for ice cream, and serious relationship conversation on the beach. They are gonna move forward….without promises (whatever that means) Let’s be honest I don’t care what problems they have ..two fabulous gay men need to get together… that’s it, that’s all.

Are you serious? This damn deli isn’t open yet? What the hell is taking so long… don’t they know there are a lot of hungry people in Brentwood production is gonna need another location for drama and fights to happen? Maybe I spoke to soon, cause Chloe and  Elliot walk it and the temperature instantly drops… seems Ferne and Chloe are still on the outs as evidence my the eye rolls and not speaking directly at one another… Chloe sure is losing friends left and right..

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Vas and Lauren visit Lydia in her shop, and apparently Vas is totally into homeless chic… while the girls favor Festival chic… the only thing I can say is Vas is doing his best Pharrell Williams impression… What The F*ck?

Here’s Dumb!Dan working out with his chick on the side Georgia. Dan flex’s his man boobs, much to Georgia, Fran and Grace’s enjoyment…I am enjoying the look of total confusion and bewilderment on Dumb!Dan’s face which the girls are chatting about Grace’s date with Tim… I bet he’s wondering when he became on of the girls… just sit there with your mouth close and continue to flex Dumb!Dan

The most awkward sandwich making ever is currently happening at the deli. Chloe and Ferne are sitting right next to each other and completely ignoring one another… did I happen to mention that they are the only two people in the building  (the boys when to go workout… but I think production wanted another catfight ), but damn it Billie walks in full of sunshine and roses… and naturally Ferne is about to talk shit about Chloe white she’s in the back…let’s be honest they were some shitty looking sandwiches… but as loud as they are talking I’m sure Chloe hears them

Eye f*cking between Lewis and Lauren with Vas being an awkward third (still wearing that fugly hate) Apparently as long as Vas is impressed with Lauren’s future beau it’s al good. Lewis in the nicest way possible tells Vas to go “F*ck Off” While he attempts to finally ask Lauren out on a date

Nanny Pat … I love this woman, since Mark is gone she’s not feeding anyone like she did back in Season 2. go to visit Jessica in her new apartment… and once again Jess is crying about living alone… I think she might be on her period…

Good God, Mr. Darcy is huge! And let’s be honest he’s f*ckin’ ugly and mean looking. I will admit he was quite cute when he was a piglet..

Then we get an amusement park montage of Barry…there is fun and cuddles… let’s move on

Back at Jessica’s mom and gran are still consoling her when Danni and Karen stop by, apparently Karen has some issues with Gemma (who doesn’t) and her roll in the Barry breakup. Apparently she plans to confront her and the deli opening….DRAMA!

Finally the Deli is open and it’s clear that Charlie has borrowed once of Vas’ hat and he want’s everyone to know, he’s back, with a bang, with a deli!” I will say this is the fanciest deli opening I’ve ever seen… but we all know everything is in excess here on TOWIE. We meet Demi… the other Simms sibling (I didn’t know she existed…She looks nothing like Chloe, but then again Chloe has had some much work done, she resembles no one… and once again they instantly start talking shit about Ferne once Charlie leaves.

White is apparently the color that everyone is wearing tonight, because Lauren is wearing a cute little white dress on her date with Lewis (who is doing his best impression of a oily, mumble mouthed Gatsby)

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While Gemma is giving Jessica relationship advice Karen comes over and attempts to give Gemma the business about the whole Barry situation… but she cries instead. Karen’s give the best advice ever, “Let’s both stay out of it” and in true Gemma Collins fashion she replies, “I’m 33 and Fabulous” bitch please….

Episode 6

“Talking shit behind your back”

Everything seems to be nice and peaceful in TOWIE land… but we all know that’s gonna last for a minute

Over at Chloe’s (the salon not the person) Chloe and Gemma ogle Mr. Wright’s ass, Chloe reminds us that it’s time for more Botox because, she’s not into expressions (she’s not into looking natural either) then they proceed to get down to business… taking shit about Ferne, if Ferne has a nickel for every time someone talked crap about her she’d be a rich woman.

Jessica is having lunch with her mom and cousin discussing her wedding… once again she’s complaining about her living situation with Rick…I’m over it.

The guys get together for a little game of tennis, Arg still in the friend-zone but wants it to be much more, apparently Lydia is gonna help him learn to drive (it’s totally her turn, because 5 people have tried to teach him before….)

Barry are shopping for something to wear at yet another party.. Gemma’s name pop’s up (no one is surprised)

ITV_t_TOWIEf070914Dumb!Dan is outside fling his muscles and washing his car (production has the right idea) and who comes driving up the road? good Ole Lockie guess he got his drug issues taken care of because he’s back and he’s wearing the smallest pair of shorts I’ve seen on a man in a long time. Naturally the conversation goes to Danni, he wants her back…. she’s still on the fence.

Ricky and Jessica meet up and guess what they are taking about, the fact that they aren’t living together (am I the only one that is completely bored with these two?) Jess get’s upset and cries… yet again…*eye rolls*

Billie! The baby is 5 days overdue and is ready for to evict the baby. Ferne is over visiting her wearing her Glastonbury best . She’s preparing a picnic for Charlie with all his favorites… I don’t think this is gonna have a happy ending. I’m gonna give Billie a pass cause she’s super pregnant, but she was right Chloe and Elliot  do have matching Botox and matching teeth.

Diags (along with Fran) breaks the news that Grace is possibly still seeing her ex and Grace has played the player…. ooh burn! Karma is a bitch isn’t it Tom

Jasmine is back… she’s still boring and irrelevant . This whole Lockie and Danni are still in their drama, and we are all over it

Charlie comes to the picnic with ultra skinny jeans, I swear that man may never procreate…Ferne is doing her best to have a nice lunch, but Charlie pretty much tells her that it’s not working and he’s still stressed about the drama between Ferne and his sisters.

Twitter_t_TowiegemmaMandy the foot psychic is back, I understand they she has to use her feet (any FYI her pedicure is EVERYTHING) but I’m not a big fan of feet touching me, or people touching my feet. But anyhow Mandy is reading Gemma (who is in a hot tub with Jessica looking on) pretty much tells them both… shit is about to hit the fan (I could have told them that without  touching them with my feet)

Leah (Elliot’s sister) is getting a Thread Lift done while Chloe looking super grossed out…. I’m confused especially considering all the crap she’s had done to her body.

Ricky and Ferne meet up and talk about their similar situations and both agree that Elliot is an asshole that needs to mind his own business. I predict that neither relationship will last for the long haul… maybe they should consider getting together

According to Arg, Frat parties are just like American Pie…. as an American I refuse to comment on the dumbness of that. Lockie is there looking super douchy with Dumb!Dan who says nothing but eats his hotdog and Botox!Elliot. Apparently Ferne is DTF anyone… and Elliot can prove it. Ricky is talking to the guys about how he’s not living with Jessica…

At the Hen Party Harry walks up to Gemma (who knows what’s about to go down, cause Mandy the foot psychic told her) and confronts her. Gemma is instantly on the defense and calls Harry’s entire family liars. They argue. Friendship over!

Danni and Bobby commiserate over their cheating boyfriends..it’s very emotional… for Bobby

Best face of the night goes to Fern. Grace finally admits that she is still “sort of seeing her ex” and needs to tell Tom. Grace, Fran and Georgia start to argue .. allegations are made (most are true)ITV_t_TOWIEc070914

Lockie and Danni…. boring

Ferne goes to pick up Charlie at the Sugar Hut  and Elliot drops a bomb! Apparently she asked to f*ck Elliot… yuck! I will say that Ferne has an amazing poker face…that smile never left her face Elliot reminds her that a sewer rat has more class than she does. Ferne leaves completely embarrassed…at this point I think she forgot she was supposed to pick up Charlie

Until Next Time…

 

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